The Esoteric Science Resource Center

And now for the sad

2008-05-16T23:28:30Z

And now we get into a sore subject. Texas public schools aren't the joke they were in the Seventies and Eighties (my old high school apparently thinks that we're still as dumb as we were back then, because I was just solicited to buy a directory of contact information on Lewisville High School alumni between 1900 and 2006), but the state keeps going on and on about a teacher shortage. Well, yeah, there's a teacher shortage, because the vast majority of certified teachers in the state only want to teach kindergarten to fourth grade.

(And before anyone asks, I can't apply for one of these much-desired science teacher positions, mostly because I don't have a degree. Even if I did, I wouldn't consider teaching science in Texas unless I had a written guarantee stating that I was allowed to punch out any no-necked administrator who got in my face about how I'd best be teaching "intelligent design". Oh, and a similar written guaranteeing that I'm allowed to rape, kill, and eat, and not necessarily in that order, any football coach that "suggested" that I exempt his precious little snowflakes from the No Pass No Play Law.)

Life with anteaters

2008-05-16T21:11:53Z

Normally, the Czarina is the one telling me that we can't have a particular exotic animal because we don't have the room/we can't afford it/the beast has a venomous bite and claws that could rip apart a Chevy/we can't get that many virgins on short notice. I suspect, though, that when she gets an eyeful of tamandua anteaters at home, I'll be the one going "You can't have an anteater if I can't have a crocodile monitor" and she'll be responding "But they're so cuuuuuuute!"

Along that line, our poor neglected outdoor kitty keeps coming back up on the back porch, and he even spooked the hell out of me the other day when I went to check on the greenhouse. For obvious reasons, I'm naming him "Harold".

Irony rears its ugly head

2008-05-16T20:47:23Z

The Dallas Morning News Web site is full of irony today, and Stage One is the announcement of the discovery of a mosasaur skeleton in Garland by a young-earth creationist. Stage Two came in the form of Brian Loncar, a local ambulance chaser lawyer whose face is intimately familiar to anyone stuck watching daytime television in Dallas while waiting for job interview calls, failing to yield right of way to a fire truck and discovering that the laws of physics don't stop for "The Strong Arm". The discovery that the minister for Prestonwood Baptist Church was busted in a sex sting where he presumed he was propositioning a 13-year-old was just gravy.

Completely unrelated

2008-05-16T20:13:52Z

Oh, and for the Czarina, joiseyguy recommends RottenBidders for eBay problem customers. Oh, if only this had existed two years ago, considering the number of Cat Piss Men who were already making eBay a nightmare zone. (For everyone else, one of the many reasons why my unwanted books are going to the local library from now on instead of to eBay is the latest bidding incident, where one CPM got into a bidding war for a poster, got pissed off that a poster of unknown and stated unknown provenance wasn't an original movie poster, and blamed the Czarina for letting him "wildly overbid" without offering him compensation for his mistake. Even better, he's expressed his displeasure by calling the house twice to "work out a compromise," as if we threatened to rape his chickens if he didn't keep bidding. Considering that his patter seems to be just a bit too polished, I suspect that he's been kicked off eBay before for similar tantrums and just keeps coming back under new account names. And so it goes.)

Very cool and very disturbing

2008-05-16T19:56:28Z

I don't disagree that the recent decision to allow a double amputeee to compete as a sprinter in the Beijing Olympics is excellent news. My complaint is that the future isn't happening quickly enough, as right now I'm itching for the mechanical augmentation to give a couple of people a face full of "4".

On greasing the pan

2008-05-16T18:46:51Z

Wow! Look: there's hope for a collection of my old articles and essays yet! I have to wait until about a century after I die for my work to be appreciated, but that's because it'll take that long for enough lead and mercury to collect in municipal tap water to make anyone think a collection of my crap is worth the money.

And on that note, I simply note that this blog shuts down a month from this Sunday. Go through the archives and pull what you want to pull, and the first person who makes noises about how much my writing matters gets punched in the heart.

And jealousy rises from the grave

2008-05-15T22:54:54Z

What else can you say about a ten-year-old university sophomore who's working to prove the existence of wormholes other than to say "spiderfarmer, I thought your son wasn't in college yet?" Well, that and "The next person who tries to tell me that I'm smart is going to get punched right in the heart." Now if you'll excuse me, I'm going to crawl into a hole and watch some Fox News, just because I can't feel any dumber than I already do.

And now for the funny

2008-05-15T22:44:59Z

And whaddaya know: we're going to get that definitive documentary about the Bush Administration after all. Just in time, too: it'll be the perfect fundraising tool for the George W. Bush Presidential Library at SMU, mostly because then the MBAs will have a promotion that reaches to their level.

Reptile tats on parade

2008-05-14T22:39:44Z

Finally, a shoutout for ESRC readers and enthusiasts with herpetology-related tattoos: Reptiles magazine is hosting the Reptiles Tat Attack! contest, with a first place prize of $200. The reptile or amphibian in the tat doesn't have to be completely accurate: the idea is to go for artistry. All entries must be received by June 30, so I might have to sidle down to my favorite tattoo venue in Dallas and get in on the fun. Should I go with my favorite pet or my totem animal?

On greasing the pan

2008-05-14T18:14:43Z

For all of the writers, editors, and publishers that might be visiting: don't forget that May is International Slushpile Awareness Month! (Just to let you know, the bonfire is still scheduled for May 31. Be sure to tell the crowd of wannabes hanging out at the front counter at the local Frumpy Fiftysomething's bookstore.)

Things To Do In Fort Worth When You're Dead

2008-05-14T17:50:23Z

The Czarina and I already have enough reasons to spend our time in Fort Worth as it is, and our weekends are already booked until 2011. I did NOT need to know that the Fort Worth Zoo is opening its new Museum of Living Art in the spring of 2009. I just need to break down and find gainful employment in Fort Worth, because between this, the re-opening of the Omni Theater at the Fort Worth Museum of Science & History, and the Concerts in the Garden at the Fort Worth Botanic Gardens, the cats won't know who we are when we finally come home.

A followup on microphotography

2008-05-14T17:35:26Z

When I brought up that Discover pictorial on sand grains, I forgot that sarracenia jumps on intriguing concepts in photography like a duck on a june bug. It's best not to tell her about digital microscopes such as the Boreal Digital 1000 Skope Plus and the Motic DigiScope 300, isn't it? After all, give her one of these and we'd never see her again, and life without a Shannon in it really is like a broken pencil.

Your moment of natural beauty

2008-05-14T16:35:30Z

When I was much younger, I used to love to look over sand and gravel with a magnifying glass and see the strange items that were just too small to notice when one was standing upright. This month's pictorial in Discover on sand grain artistry just reminds me that I need to do that again from time to time.

Hmmm.

2008-05-14T15:36:25Z

In many ways, we should be rejoicing that Reverend Jose Gabriel Funes, the chief astronomer of the Vatican, says that the Catholic Church has no problems with reconciling faith with a belief in extraterrestrial life. I'm serious, and I'm not just reaching for the obvious rejoinder in suggesting that the Church and aliens both have a thing for anal probes. (I almost became a priest, so I think I can get away with that comment. If I'm wrong, well, I might as well earn that trip to Hell.) After years of Dallas's local ministers put down the rattlesnakes long enough to scream "Any non-human that is not an angel is a demon," any thoughtful discussion on how contact with an extraterrestrial intelligence might impact someone's religious faith is always welcome. I just hope that, for the Vatican's sake, that first contact isn't with Lithia.

On greasing the pan

2008-05-14T02:23:39Z

Considering the starvation wages and general abuse, would someone please explain to me why working for a bookstore is supposed to be so glamourous? (And before anyone starts, this article does a pretty good job at illustrating a whole load of unsympathetic people. Unfortunately, bookstores seem to attract unsympathetic people, both in the rank and file and in management. It's those very same people that are the reason why I have less and less patience with bookstores in general.)

I'm living in my own private Tanelorn

2008-05-14T01:59:27Z

Remember how I've been going on for a while that since I already have the smile for the job, I might as well get the chrome teeth to go with it. One trip to the dentist today, and it looks as if I might get my wish. One white gold crown down, and three more needed. I'm not surprised that 25-year-old fillings are finally breaking, but then I also never figured that I'd live to see 40, either. On the bright side, I was able to take the cast of the left side of my mouth home with me, as they were going to throw it out if I didn't want it. Since the new crowns need to go in the right side, I'll have the beginnings of an interesting art project by the time I'm done. And so it goes.

Other than that, it's been a ridiculously mundane day, and I'm enjoying it to no end. 36 days to go before everything shuts down, and I'm looking forward to it.

And now for the funny

2008-05-13T14:28:25Z

Why is it, when I read about Hewlett-Packard's $12.6 billion acquisition of EDS, all I can hear is Bugs Bunny yelling "You'll be sooooooo-ree!" over and over? Me, being overly cynical after literally having an EDS manager ask me "How do you spell 'HTML'?""? Naaaaaah.

I'm living in my own private Tanelorn

2008-05-12T18:46:19Z

I'd be rather vocal in hoping that this piece of work didn't graduate from one of our two local collegiate cornucopia of entitlement brats and clueless vermin, but I'd be better off wishing for a dinosaur for my birthday. In lieu of that, I'd just be happy in hoping that when this twit was taken into custody, he wasn't screaming "When MY GOOD CLOSE PERSONAL FRIEND George W. Bush finds out about this..." as he was being hauled off.

I'm living in my own private Tanelorn

2008-05-12T17:55:49Z

Now I know that I've changed irrevocably in the last six years: jim000037 passed on word of a thirtieth anniversary screening of Dawn of the Dead in the shopping mall in which the film was shot...and I have absolutely no interest in attending. Well, there was a slight whimper from the Bill Dickey I used to be a decade ago, but he's been wrapped in cling film, ball-gagged, and thrown down the stairs so many times in the last few years that I think he actually enjoys the attention.

DIY giant plywood dinosaurs

2008-05-12T17:29:56Z

I have to admit that normally I detest those plywood dinosaur skeleton kits that were so inexplicably popular in the Eighties, if only because a quick eBay search for "dinosaur model" comes across 3700 entries for the plywood ones and maybe three for the models I really seek. It's only when I can get the Czarina involved with instructions on making life-sized plywood dinosaur skeleton models that they start to get interesting...especially since the instructions give suggestions on how to convert fossil reconstructions into plywood plans.

The Science of Scotch

2008-05-12T17:17:29Z

I'm not saying that there's causality in my ancestors frequenting areas of the planet where the filthiest four-letter words that can be uttered in public are "Last call." I'm also not saying that my inability to imbibe more than a can of beer without falling into a coma is proof of the family suspicion that the elves stole the real Paul Riddell out of his crib forty-odd years ago. I am saying that the more I pay attention to the science behind the flavor of scotch whisky, the more likely it is that I'll be invited to the next Riddell family reunion, if only so I have something to talk about that they care to hear. Just sayin'.

The book sale is ending

2008-05-09T22:24:31Z

Well, it's time for me to go home, but the Czarina would like to point out that the book sale is concluding, and the Harlan Ellison wing of my library is up for purchase. Bid early and often, and give these books a good home, or I'll return to writing for science fiction magazines. (I really shouldn't scare people like this, but we're desperate.) At the very least, snag the Ziesing edition of Slippage: it's at a wonderful price the last time I checked.

Survival gear crazy enough to work

2008-05-09T18:45:13Z

Am I wrong in looking at Wired's slideshow of survival gear that's just crazy enough to work and thinking "I'll take one of each, please"?

National Astronomy Day

2008-05-09T17:01:12Z

Hallmark doesn't make cards to promote the event, but May 10 is National Astronomy Day in the US, and I can think of no reason why it shouldn't be an international event. (Sadly, the Fort Worth Museum of Science & History is temporarily closed during its much-anticipated restoration and expansion, and the Dallas Museum of Nature & Science's planetarium apparently doesn't have anything scheduled at all. However, the Texas Astronomical Society of Dallas, a wonderful crew of folks, is hosting a Star Party in Frisco Commons Park on Saturday night, and you can bet your bippy that the Czarina and I will be out there. The weather is one of the reasons why May is one of my favorite times of year in Texas, especially with the honeysuckle blooming and the Mexican freetailed bats returning to eat the local bugs, and access to telescopes on a night like this is just gravy.)

Public Service Announcement

2008-05-08T23:41:11Z

To coincide with the official launch of the Texas Triffid Ranch site this weekend, I'm also preparing a new issue of the Hell's Half-Acre Herald newsletter, and I'm looking for willing victims for a free copy. Anyone interested in snagging a copy who hasn't already signed up for a previous copy is invited to leave their Snail Mail addresses: all comments are screened and will remain so in order to protect your privacy. (Those of you who already sent in a mailing address are already on the mailing list unless you specifically ask to be removed.) With luck, they'll be going out before Memorial Day, and yes, I'm glad to mail copies outside the US.